Tearing down the walls

First off, hey there everyone. Either those who are looking for me or found this by accident, welcome.

I have three words for you.

I'm coming back. (OK, maybe it's 4, so sue me)

Where have I been? Not anywhere in particular, but not really here either. I have been trying to shake myself out of things for a while and have not had much success. I have been pretty much a ghost to most people, either there or being an annoyance. Sure, I have tried different things to keep myself in the game of life, but not much has really gotten through. So sit back, take a drink while I pour some things out here.

I have been doing things sort of on an autopilot lately. Going to work, seeing people, getting my comics and such and really haven't enjoyed what I've been doing. It's not them (or you, as the case may be), it's been me. As much as I don't want to admit it, the death of my wife's brother earlier this year has been unsettling to me in more ways than I perceived. I think in part because I had to sort of box away my feelings on it to be there for her and her family. We have had the roughest year of our marriage since...the death of our newborn son. She blamed herself for that and there was no way on earth I could hold her accountable for it. It was just one of those things. We survived that and became stronger together. This, this tragedy, has cast a pall over her that I don't know when it will lift.

She has tried to talk to people and some have tried to give her what I call "bumper sticker" advice. Things like "buck up" and "be strong" have been repeated so much she hates the sound of them. No one knows how long you're supposed to grieve. I tend to think that it's different for everyone and how well you knew and loved the person. For some, there is a momentary loss and a heartfelt saddening for the family and themselves, but then it passes. Not that they forget the person, but life goes on. For others, the moment is frozen in time and until they can reconcile themselves, it may be that way for a time.

I don't think she is that bad, but the loss in her life has been a tremendous void. She loved everything about her brother and you could see it when they were together, how happy they were. I know I can never make her that happy again, but I have been struggling to. I love her so very much, and it hurts to see her in so much pain from time to time. She has tried to move forward, but in doing so she shut out a lot of people in her life who love her. It wasn't until I confronted her about this that I realized I had done the same thing.

I haven't played WoW in several months.
I haven't called my friends to talk and hang out.
I haven't done a bunch of things I've set out to do.

Some of this is to be there for her, but this is a cop out. So I have to say something and I hope and pray that these people will hear me say this.

To Shawn, Jim, Matthew, Dan, Tammy, Cory, Sara, Cathy, Tom & most especially my family:

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I haven't been there for you all. I hope that you all can forgive me and grant me the chance to try and regain your love, trust and friendship.

That's it, thats all I have for now. I will try and be more of what I was, but know that while I will laugh and smile and hopefully be fun to be around, there is a small part of me that is gone forever.